This Time I Don't Want To Worry About Goodbye
I have a bad habit of assuming things won't work out mostly because they never do. I also have a habit of pushing people away who could be good for me or investing far too much into people who will never be good for me or could never give me what I need.
Part of me is convinced that is how I protect myself because it shelters me from getting really hurt if I know deep down that it won't work out. If I just tell myself enough that it won't work then maybe I'll believe it and maybe I won't be as disappointed when it actually doesn't work.
But this time I want to try.
This time I want it to be different.
I want to stop thinking "what if" and start thinking that maybe this might work if I stop being so doubtful.
"What if he's talking to someone else?"
"What if he doesn't really like me?"
"What if this doesn't work out and I actually really let myself fall?"
"What if he breaks my heart?"
I wish I could ignore these thoughts enough to stop them from over powering my mind.
I hate feeling dependent on someone, I don't like putting my heart into someone else's hands because it makes me feel like I'm not in control. I dislike giving someone else control over my emotions and happiness, and that's exactly what I do when I fall for someone. It turns into an ugly, chaotic mess of emotions that I can't control. And that scares me.
It scares me because being hurt sucks, especially when it feels like it's a constant in life -- always being let down by someone you care about. Always going out of your way to prove to someone you care and never feeling that reciprocated.
This time I want it to be different, I want to stop trying to carry all the weight on my own shoulders. I want to stop trying to be so strong and I want someone else to be strong for me. I want to be cared for instead of always being the one who cares for others. I want someone to put me first for once. I want someone to let me be soft and careless and I want to not worry about being left -- I want that fear to disappear.
I want to stop thinking of all the "what ifs" and just know that things will work out, that he will stay, that he will care about me the way I want to be cared about and the way I care about him. I want to feel cared about back and I want it to work out. No more pushing, no more questioning, no more bullshit. I just want to dive in without reservation and I want someone to stick around. I want things to work out, for once.
I want to be enough, for once.
This time I don't want to figure out who you are by the way you leave because more than anything I just want you to stay. I just want you to be here and I want you to want to be here even more. This time I don't want to say goodbye.