This Is Me Accepting There Will Never Be An 'Us'
I've always prematurely jumped into "relationships" but the problem is there is no relationship. There is me and there is you, and I always like you more than you like me. I immediately delete my dating apps, I stop talking to anyone else, I prematurely become loyal to the one person I'm talking to because all I want is it to desperately work out. But the problem is, I'm usually the only one ever trying. I delete my Bumble but you continue to swipe on yours. I don't talk to other men but I'm not convinced you aren't going home with girls from the bar. I start caring way more than you care about me, and you don't even notice.
It hit me the other day when I was talking to a friend. I was talking about us. She stopped me right there to tell me there is no 'us'. There is just you and there is just me. We are doing whatever we are doing but there is no us.
It felt like a stab in the heart. You've been in my life for months now and there still isn't an us, even though I was so convinced there was. There still isn't a label, a defining term, a conversation filled with what I want to hear. There is just you and there is just me. Separate, even when we are together. Separate, even when we are in the same bed. Separate, even when your body is pressed against mine.
I can put in all the effort but that doesn't matter at all if you aren't putting in effort on your part. It's not a one-way street; it has never been.
This is me accepting that what we are now is all we will ever be before we totally fade away. This is me accepting that there will never be an us, there will never be a future, there will never be more than there is now.
Loving you is a dead-end road. Even if I drive all the way down, I'm going to have to turn around and backtrack all the distance I went to fit you into my heart.
This is me accepting that I have to let you go, even though it's tearing me apart. This is me accepting that I can't put my life on hold for something that will more than likely never happen.
I am holding space for you. Dropping plans just because you call. I am shifting my life to make room for you when you don't do the same. I gave you too much credit too soon. I fell into this fantasy of what I wanted us to be. I thought about all we could be instead of facing the reality of what we are.
Which is nothing.
You can't make someone stay and you can't make them care when they don't. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Don't make them into this fantasy of the person you want them to be. Accept that they are not meeting your emotional needs or filling your life the way you need it to be filled.
This is me acknowledging that there is no 'us' and that is the start of turning around at the end of the dead-end road.
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