If He Actually Gives A Shit About You, You'll Know

Photo by Jan Phoenix on Unsplash

Photo by Jan Phoenix on Unsplash

Over the last few years, I've always tried to force relationships with people who I knew would never date me. I went for men like this because it seemed fun for my ego. I would fall for guys who could never give me what I actually want or need out of a relationship. I knew this from the start but I'd go for them because it was a never-ending chase and to me, that was the fun part. 

All the guys I've dated in the last several years have only lasted a few months before I get tired of their games, get fucked over or get them to like me then get turned off. I know how completely fucked up that sounds - I'm well aware. 

I always go for guys who are unavailable in some way because it's my way of protecting myself, if they never let me fully in then there's no way I can become really invested so there's no real chance of getting hurt deeply. I limit the amount of hurt I feel when they leave or I walk away because it's only ever surface level. They're always distant and I'm always doubtful, and a relationship can't grow from that.

I convince myself that I can turn them into the person I want them to be though, even though I know that's not true because you can't change people. I know most of the time if I didn't put in as much effort as I did, there would be no communication, there would be nothing. 

I'm not dumb, I know that these guys don't really care about me and to be honest, I'm not sure I really care about them because with them I'm always trading respect for attention. I'm using them to fill the void in my life of being alone and they help me not feel so bored. They don't respect me though, and they only sometimes pay attention to me. Most of the time they leave me feeling more alone than when I'm actually alone. 

But when you're constantly chasing someone who can't be caught it's a never-ending cycle of fun, and that's what my ego needs. It feels like it needs to be liked so I keep inflicting the same pain on myself over and over again by going from the same type of guy to the next. 

None of these guys ever cared about me, they were incapable of caring about me and it's nothing I did wrong. I finally have come to terms with that and stopped blaming myself for another failed attempt at dating because none of these guys are people I'd actually want a real future with. 

Guys like this don't care about you, they don't care about me either, but when someone actually does care about you, you will know. 

Your mind won't be filled with doubts and wonder. You won't have to sit around and hope that you'll get a text back. You won't have to hope you hear from him. You won't have to hope he wants to hang out with you because you'll know he will. And you won't have to hope he's not spending his time with someone else, too.

If he actually gives a shit about you - it won't be a secret. He will show up for you. He will be excited about spending time with you. He will be inviting you to places in his life. He will be happy you're around. He will show you, not just tell you. He won't feed your brain with lies and leave you hanging. He won't make excuses. He will make you a priority. 

I know the other guy, the one who ignores you, the one who you so desperately want to hear from, the one you put all your hope in, the one you want to see how great you are. I've dated that guy so many times I could write out the script of the way it will go again in my sleep. 

The most important thing to realize about that guy, the one who doesn't give a shit about you, is that he's only temporarily fun. He won't be able to give you what you want long term. He will fade, he will never be enough for you, he will never be the one you come home to at the end of a long day and makes you feel like all your problems disappeared. You want him because you can't have him, because it's a game, because it's how our egos operate. 

It's hard to transition from dating a string of men who don't give a shit about you to one that does. It will feel foreign and weird and it might take you a while to get it right, but eventually you will. Eventually you will find someone who gives a shit about you and you will give a shit back, and everything will fall into place the way you had hoped all this time.