All I Can Do Is Be The Best Version Of Myself For Me And Hope That's Enough For You, Too

Photo by  Greg Raines  on  Unsplash

Photo by Greg Raines on Unsplash

I hate falling because it allows me to become vulnerable, to open my heart, to expose myself to someone who has the power to take it all away from me in a matter of minutes. I hate that liking another person means putting your hope in their hands, and praying to god that they don't break your heart.  

I don't fall easily but when I find someone I am interested in I fall fast, like a wrecking ball crashing into a building. I fall in a way that consumes my mind with thoughts of them. I analyze their texts, their gestures, their tone. I don't even try to play hard to get because I'm all in. It's not graceful, it's messy and completely who I am. 

I hate that I'm "that girl" the one who falls for someone so quickly, who starts exerting all her energy into him, who starts thinking about what there could be. I hate falling because I know the only thing worse than falling for someone is falling for someone who falls back, then leaves. 

They always leave and I'm not saying I'm not to blame because I am. I have a tendency to push people away because I think I'm doing myself a favor and saving my heart from feeling shattered when I know that's not the truth. I try to brace myself for the let down because I know there will be one. I know things won't ever work out the way I want them to because it's become such a standard in my life.  

Leaving is familiar, it's almost comforting because it's what I know. I'm good at leaving. I'm good at packing up and moving on. I'm not afraid to run away from my problems but what I am afraid of is falling for someone who likes me back. It's easier to fall for someone who I know will never like me back. It's easy to have crushes, to faintly feel something that you know will never be real because you know you don't have to involve your heart, it allows you to stay guarded and protected. 

It's another thing to fall for someone who potentially likes you back, it's another thing to feel a connection with someone and know it could go somewhere because there's always the chance you could get hurt. Being alone isn't scary, but it's scary to have someone there then all the sudden be alone again, after experiencing part of life with someone you cared about. 

You can't predict someone's leaving but you can brace yourself for the letdown, even if it doesn't make it any easier.

The only thing scarier than allowing yourself to fall is to allow yourself to fall for someone who promises to be there, but still leaves. 

I can't quiet the voices in my head telling me you'll leave, you'll find someone else – someone better. I can't shut down the idea that I don't deserve someone like you. I can't get that sinking feeling out of my chest that you won't stay and it makes my heart ache already because this time I'm not pushing.

This time I'm trying, this time I promised myself I'd give it my best shot. I told myself I'd let you in as far as you wanted to come. I told myself that it's okay to feel pain and that it won't break me because my heart is not made of glass. 

I told myself that I'd just enjoy the time I have with you and let things go the way they are meant to go because I'm not letting you decide my worth. I know I'm enough if you chose me or not. It's not my decision if you love me or not, and all I can do is be the best version of myself and let you into my story if you fit.

I can't force you into my life, I can't make you fit, I can't make you fall for me like I've fallen for you. All I can do is be enough for me and hope that's enough for you, too.