I'm A Smart Girl And I Still Let Myself Get Treated Like Shit

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Something I've written literally hundreds of articles on is not accepting less than you deserve. Or actually being alone rather than being with someone who makes you feel alone. It's something I've repeated over and over to my friends as I watch them indulge in toxic relationships. It's something I told myself I wouldn't get involved in again but here I am writing an article about how even the 'smart girl' fucks up because things are rarely ever black and white, especially when it comes to love.

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I knew from the start I should avoid you but I didn't. 

I didn't care that the words "I don't trust him" came out of my mouth to my friends because you were giving me the attention I was craving and haven't felt in so long. I wanted you, even knowing you were no good for me. There was a type of thrill in that, there was a continuous chase and I saw a chance to be the one to fix you; the one who could help you change your life. 

And that's my first problem. I always fall for the ones who need 'fixing,' the ones who are a complete mess and find comfort in me. The ones who spill their problems out to me when they're vulnerable and that makes me feel needed even more but the truth is they aren't looking to change – you weren't looking to change, not really anyway, because no one ever really is. 

I knew the first time I saw you with another girl that I should run, but I didn't. Instead, I stayed because you told me I didn't have anything to worry about. Ha. 

I stayed even when I knew I should leave because I thought maybe I could change your mind. I thought maybe I could capture your whole heart and your attention but it didn't work like that – it never does.

I saw you with one girl, then another, yet still came over when it was my turn. I sat there and wanted you to want me the way I wanted you, knowing you couldn't; knowing you couldn't ever give me what I needed.

I held on to all those little compliments you'd repeat to me over and over again like you forgot you already said them to me, you played it off in a sweet way. You always asked me why I didn't believe you when you'd tell me I was beautiful or that you didn't think I realized how beautiful I really was and it's because of people like you who make me doubt myself over and over again. It's the people like you who give me all these compliments then just walk away like you didn't mean a single word because this time when I walked away it was too easy – you didn't even try to stop me. It's because no one ever sticks around, no one ever makes me a priority, and it's my own fault too. I'm not just blaming you, although that would be easier.

I'm attracted to guys who treat me like shit – I finally figured out my type. The guys who always show me enough interest to get me hooked but never more. I run at the sign of a healthy relationship maybe because that means it has the potential to actually be real and actually hurt me way deeper than someone who I secretly know will never actually care about me. Maybe it's my hearts way of staying guarded while still not allowing myself to be completely alone.

I'm a smart girl and I still let myself get treated like shit by you because your attention was all I craved. I went back repeatedly when I should have walked away from the start because saying 'no' when all you want is to say 'yes' is hard. Not giving into what I really wanted – when all I really wanted was you – was hard. I wanted to be next to you, talking, hearing your voice, touching your body. I wanted all of that and while saying 'no' was what I should have been saying – I simply didn't want to. 

I actively kept letting myself get treated like shit. I allowed myself to get treated like less than I deserve because I wanted your attention more. I wanted attention more than I wanted to be alone.

I accepted less because I knew if I demanded more you'd leave. 

I knew falling for you would do nothing but rip me apart, and I was right. All I was ever left feeling was less – you did a great job at putting me down and making me feel alone. 

Loving someone is never black and white. It's rarely easy, it makes no sense and it makes us do things we know we shouldn't. But that's not love – that's toxic. And one of the most toxic things you can do is excuse someone's shitty behavior because you care about them, especially when it goes against everything you believe in. 

I'm done accepting less than I deserve, I'm done being convenient for someone who is never convenient for me, I'm done letting my heart get taken advantage of because I don't deserve it. I'm done being in someone's back pocket, I'm done being on their list because I don't deserve to be on a list. I deserve to be the only item worth being remembered. I'm done with toxic love and I'm done with you. For good this time. I'm not coming back. 

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“We accept the love we think we deserve.”


― Stephen ChboskyThe Perks of Being a Wallflower