You Were Always A Piece Of Shit – I'm Done Romanticizing Your Leaving

Photo by  averie woodard  on  Unsplash

I do this thing where as soon as someone I've been talking to for a while decides to leave I build them up to be this incredible person just because I hate that I'm alone again. I excuse all their shitty qualities because the attention feels good, even if their attention is half-assed and shared between multiple people. 

Having someone there, then all the sudden not having them there is hard. It sucks, big time. But the thing that sucks, even more, is caring about someone who was never good for you in the first place; someone who you always knew would hurt you or leave but hanging on to that little hope that just maybe they would stay. 

I have a bad habit of romanticizing shitty people and shitty relationships because getting comfortable with being alone again isn't fun or enjoyable. It's lonely and all it makes me want to do is go back and talk to them, even when I know they have nothing good to offer me.

So, I'm done. 

I'm done wasting my time on people who don't care if I'm around or not. I'm done getting hung up on guys who treat me like shit. I'm done with guys who care more about getting off than my feelings.

I'm done romanticizing what we had, I'm done making you out to be a better person than you really are – especially since you proved to me over and over again who you really are. I let myself get treated like shit by you because I didn't want to be alone. I liked the attention, feeling wanted and desired. I liked having someone there, someone to hang out with when I was bored. So I stayed because I didn't want to walk away, even though we rarely laughed and I rarely felt like I mattered to you. I stayed because I nearly forgot what it felt like to be touched by someone I actually cared about. I stayed for all the wrong reasons and I can finally admit that now. 

I cared about you and you never cared about me. Not really, anyway. 

You acted like you cared, you said things that you thought would encourage me to keep hanging around because as much as I liked the attention, so did you. But the difference is that my heart was involved while only your ego was. You used me to feel good about yourself. I was only giving my attention to you while you were giving yours out to everyone who walked on by, and I'm done.

You never cared about me, you never meant a word that came out of your mouth and I'm finally done pretending what we had was real. You were always a shitty person and I'm done acting like losing you was a loss.