Some Days I Don't Know How To Make It Okay
There used to be a time where I didn't dread Mondays. It was actually one of my favorite days of the week for a long time since college. To me, it symbolized fresh starts, a new timeline and plenty of room for new opportunities. I love feeling productive and Monday was the day to set the tone for the week.
But it's not like that anymore.
This morning on my commute to work I realized this isn't only my life for the next few months, or couple years, but forever. And I inevitably started crying. I wasn't sobbing or choking on my tears, they were silent. They just slowly but surely rolled down my cheeks, I didn't try to stop them or wipe them away, I just let them drop into my lap and temporarily stain my jeans.
Today is my best friends' dad's birthday and it's been way too many years since she's been able to celebrate with him. I got a pit in my throat typing that, but I don't tell her how much it upsets me or hurts because it's not about me, it's about her. She has the floor to vent, to cry, to curse at the world, to say or do whatever she wants.
It ruins me knowing she's only 22 and he's been gone for so long, and there's nothing I can do or anyone else to make it okay because it's not okay. It's not okay at all.
We talk about life about how it doesn't make sense, about how we don't see the point of it to wake up every day to go to a job you don't want to be at to count down the minutes until you get home to dread it all over again tomorrow. I hate that money makes the world go round. I hate that I feel this way. I hate that I'm so empty so young, but I guess that's life now. I guess we're all broken and fucked up in some way.
I don't know how to make it okay.
I don't know how to enjoy my life anymore.
I feel numb, I feel like I want to cry, I feel like nothing makes any sense.
I moved away from home because I didn't want to get stuck because I wanted to prove to myself I'm capable of more and now I'm here, hundreds of miles across the country and now what? I did it. I moved, I found roommates, I made some friends, I got a job and at the end of the day, I don't know if I'm any happier now than I was when I left my hometown.
I'm sure I am, I'm sure I'm just being dramatic. I'm sure I'm making things feel worse than they are, I'm sure I'm making things sound worse than they are.
You can't escape who you are as a person or what you like, the bad shit always follows. You can't outrun it.
Sometimes I think it's got to do with being alone for so long and refusing to let myself rely on anyone else. I want to prove to everyone that I'm capable of so many things on my own and the funny part is no one cares what I'm capable of. No one really gives a shit.
I don't know if I even like being alone anymore but I'm so used to it, it's become so comfortable to me that I'm scared to change it. I'm scared to become dependent on another person because then I know I'll go to complete shit.
I lived on my own since I left to go to college and moved back into my parent's house last winter. I lived with them for 5 months and stopped doing things for myself. I stopped washing my own clothes, I stopped cleaning the house, I stopped being a normal, respectable adult human because I just knew if I didn't do it then my mom would. I just became dependent on her and I felt like shit about it but it happened. I just lost myself.
I want to pretend that I'm okay now. I post on social media like I am. I climbed my third 14er this weekend. I went on a 29-mile backpacking trip a couple weekends ago. I'm finishing up writing another book right now. I'm doing all this "cool" shit but yet somehow I feel empty? I feel like it's not enough. It doesn't leave me satisfied and I don't know what to do to make it all okay.
I don't know how to be the person I want myself to be. I don't know how to be the person I want other's to think of me as. I don't know how to fix myself or others and it destroys me more than I want to admit because I want to be seen as independent, fearless, strong, smart, determined. But I can't see myself as any of those things so I need other people too.
I don't know what happened to my self-worth but it's non-existent.
I just spent months talking to a guy who I convinced myself cared about me. He told me I was beautiful over and over but he knew I didn't believe him. I don't like compliments, usually because I think people are lying or complimenting me out of pity, but he knew I didn't believe him. He'd ask me why and I wouldn't know what to say.
Maybe it's because I knew he'd leave or I'd push him away and we wouldn't work out so I just didn't want anything good to hang onto from him. I don't think I deserve to be treated kindly. I knew things wouldn't work out with him but it's almost unfair for me to say that because while I was trying so hard with him and feeling worthless, I had another guy begging for my attention and I was doing the same exact thing to him - barely giving him anything and he kept coming back.
It's so fucked up. We only want people who don't want us back. At least, I do.
I complain that no one wants me but I don't give the people who want me the time of day because the feelings are never mutual.
I joke sometimes that I only like people who I know will never like me back because that means it won't ever get real and that means I won't really allow myself to get hurt. I think I'm scared of getting hurt, like really hurt, not just bruising but completely broken. I haven't felt broken in a long time, at least not from another human.
I don't know how to make things feel okay anymore. Sometimes I feel like I've just gone too far and there's no going back. Sometimes I just feel like this is what life is supposed to be like and that scares the shit out of me because I can't accept that this is it. Does everyone just walk through life feeling this incomplete and average and lost? What the fuck are we doing? How is that okay? How do I stop this???
I've been spending so much time lately trying to contact people who have been avoiding making plans with me because I can't accept letting them go. I've always been the worst at letting go. I've always dug my nails in and held on as long as I could because I'm not ready to let go of the past. I try to live in the present but it's hard, especially when the past makes me smile. Especially, when I'm scared I'll never feel that way again. I can't be okay with that, I don't know how to be okay with that.
I don't know how to make it okay anymore, I don't know how to be okay anymore.
Now I text my friends' things like, "why does life suck so much?" And we talk about how much better life used to be, we talk about how much happier we used to be.
Some days I don't know how to make it okay. Some days it just hurts. Some days it just sucks.