A List Of Meaningless Thoughts On Missing Someone

 
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I keep waking up in the middle of the night when I sleep next to him. I don’t know what causes me to suddenly wake up but I immediately find myself thinking of how our feet aren’t touching and that he’s not you. I haven’t slept well next to him yet. This isn’t a reflection of him. It’s more about how I’m not over you yet.

I try to make sense of everything that’s happened in the last few months but I can’t. I still want answers.

He keeps me comforted when I’m feeling broken. He listens to me talk about you repeatedly. I don’t know if that’s healthy but right now that’s all I’ve got to make me feel better and a little less alone.

Sometimes I wonder if I could ever love him but right now I’m too busy trying to stop loving you. I also know he still loves her, even when he says he doesn’t. There’s some comfort in knowing we are both using each other. I didn’t know how good it felt to hurt with someone who’s also hurting, knowing we can never be who each other wants and not feeling a need or desire to try.

Things don’t feel good without you. But you said things don’t feel good with me. My head constantly battles. Everything feels like a disaster. It all hurts.

I drank for the first time in a long time last weekend. I couldn’t stop crying. I don’t think I wanted to either. The last time I was drunk we were in San Francisco. I never wanted that weekend to end.

I told the story about how we met and parts of us last weekend to a stranger I’ll probably never see again, and I still smiled. I don’t know what that means.

Sometimes I wonder what you did with the hat.

I have blood on my hands and I don’t know where it came from. I almost don’t care. I’ve stopped caring about a lot of things lately. Everything feels like it sucks the energy out of me. I’m trying not to turn this into a metaphor about bleeding out for you.

People still message me frequently on Instagram about articles and essays I wrote a couple years ago that have helped them. I don’t even relate to that stuff anymore. I just say thank you and wish they would help me too.

When I say I’ve stopped caring about things lately, I mean I have really stopped caring. I want to throw my phone off a mountain and disappear. I want no one to know who I am. I just want to be left alone. But I know all that would do is drive me closer to wanting to call. And I don’t want to call.

Everything I do is out of sadness or obligation.

I often find myself wondering why you can’t take a break from life. I know I technically could but I don’t have the money and security to walk away from everything and still be ok. That would be nice though.

I won’t ask you to stay. I just wish you would have.

You’re not a bad person for ending things because this wasn’t good for you. I don’t know if it was good for me, either, but I didn’t have the strength you did.

I read a lot of quotes on soulmates and the only one I want to believe is true is from Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love because that’s the one that makes my heart feel ok about this ending. It’s the only way the word soulmate makes sense to me.

I don’t want to know how you’re doing or what you’re doing but I hope you found what you were looking for. I hope everything is working out for you. I still want you to have everything.

I think about you still constantly. I always wonder if you think of me, too. I wonder if we’ll ever cross paths again. I wonder when I’ll stop wondering.

 
 
Becca MartinComment