I'm Done Letting You Rent Out Space In My Mind
I went to bed last night after eating at my favorite restaurant with my best friends and I felt happy. I saw the sun start to set over the mountains and I felt happy. A smile settled across my face and I thought about how these little moments are the tiny things that are important to celebrate. Simple moments with people you care about.
It's been a while since I've felt sad. Some days I feel 'blah' but I haven't felt sad in quite a while. Those days have become rarer now that I've started surrounding myself with good people and lots of fresh air. I feel excited about a lot of things, almost everything. I have so much love in my heart to give and share.
But some days are harder than others, and it doesn't feel so effortlessly easy.
When I closed my eyes last night I didn't think of you. I didn't miss you or want to hear from you or fight the urge to text you. There was nothing that involved you but my dreams were filled with moments with you. Visual memories that involved your smile, your voice, and most importantly, your let downs.
Even in my dream you still didn't want to be with me. It was still me talking to you, trying to convince you to want me the way I want you. It was still you with someone else, feeding me the same lines about how you didn't forget about me. It still didn't work out for us.
The thing is, I always knew you cared about me to some extent, but you didn't care about me enough. You didn't care about me the way I needed to be cared about and I couldn't change that.
You can't make someone care more when they don't and I had to accept I couldn't turn you into more of a caring person when you always loved me at surface level. I couldn't make you think about me when I wasn't around. I couldn't make you want to be with me or make it more. I couldn't make you do anything you didn't want to do, and it was clear you didn't want to make me a part of your world.
When I woke up this morning I felt thankful it was just a dream, filled with moments that didn't exist between us. I felt happy you were still gone and just a memory from my past, even if I did wake up missing you like crazy.
I laid in bed and opened my apps, one by one to scroll through mindless social media like I do every morning, but this morning I had a Snapchat from you. I read your name and then read it again just to make sure it was you, and it was. I thought how weird it was that I've gone so long without hearing from you then the same night I dream of you I wake up to a Snap from you. Funny the way it is, right?
The Snap was irrelevant, but it put you on my mind, enough for me to write this.
It took me all morning as I drank my coffee and made my breakfast to remember and repeatedly tell myself that you don't care about me, at least not the way I need. That just because you sent me a Snap doesn't mean you miss me or we're thinking about me, or that something reminded you of me. It doesn't mean any of that because it's still been a little over 4 months now and you still haven't reached out. You still haven't told me you cared, or that you missed me, or that you wanted me in your life. It's just been growing silence and me trying to forget.
I have to remind myself that just because I dreamed about you and woke up from a Snap from you that it doesn't mean anything. It doesn't mean the Universe is sending a sign, it's just coincidence because even in my dream you still didn't want me. You still didn't choose me.
You closed that door and it needs to stay shut. I can't go back and open old wounds only to let the inevitable happen again. I need to remind myself that everything that was good about us was because I made it good. (Thank you, Chrissy Stockton, for those words.)
But sometimes it's easy to forget that. Sometimes it's easy to only remember the good, instead of all the feelings of emptiness and waiting and wondering. It's easy to ignore the pain I felt when I was with you.
Today, I have too much to do to waste any more time on someone who doesn't care about me. Today, I'm done letting you rent out space in my mind for free.
You can purchase my new poetry book Careless here: