A List Of Things That Make Me Feel Whole
Inspired by Kendra Syrdal
1. Hearing 'I love you' from someone before I tell them. It's easy sometimes to feel like I am the over-emotional friend/partner who always says tells people how appreciative I am of them, but it's nice to hear it first, and it's something I always appreciate and hold onto.
2. When Oslo squeals out of excitement when I go to Erin's. I've said before that looking at that dog makes my heart feel like it's going to burst because of how much love I want to give him. When he runs laps around the house and cries out of excitement it makes my heart so full. It makes me feel so loved.
3. Overhearing someone say something nice about me. When I come back from the bathroom or walk in anywhere mid-conversation and ask what my friends are talking about and they say "you," and they tell me some nice things that were said about me.
4. Texts from people I haven't heard from in a while. I tend to convince myself that people forget about me because I've moved around so much and it's nice to see your phone light up with someone you haven't talked to in months or years with something that reminded them of you. It's nice to do the same for them. It's nice to know you're not forgotten, it's nice to feel thought of.
5. Falling asleep to rain. There is something so calming and comforting about being in bed listening to rain pouring down outside the window.
6. Summiting a mountain. My favorite hikes are the ones that make me want to quit and/or die because they're so rewarding. I love being so physically and mentally exhausted that all I want to do is lay on my couch and watch TV, and I don't feel restless doing it. Food tastes so much better, too.
7. When someone acknowledges or appreciates something I'm proud of. When I see someone wearing something from my clothing company or someone tells me they love something I wrote or buys my book or shares that their friend sent them an article I wrote the feeling is indescribable. Messages and photos and comments and shares and sales never get old. It makes me feel so loved and happy.
8. When Molly calls me to ask if I need anything from the store. It's such a simple gesture but it means so much that she's thinking of me.
9. Finding a song or artist I want to listen to on repeat. Right now it's Dean Lewis. It makes me feel less alone. It makes me feel more understood which I think is why we create art in the first place - to help ourselves and others feel less alone.
10. Swimming in lakes or oceans. There's something so amazing about being in nature and standing in front of something that is such a mystery. I love that we don't know what lives at the depths of the ocean, I love that it's still unexplored and humans haven't been able to put their hands all over it yet. I think about the feeling of submerging myself into such cold water and how refreshing it feels and everything that comes with being in something that makes you realize how small you are.
11. Stopping at gas stations and diners on road trips. Deciding to pull over in a little town that you don't know the name of because you can't sit in the car for another 20 minutes waiting for something better. Stopping at the gas station in the middle of nowhere and knowing that everyone else there is also on a road trip. Deciding what kind of candy you want and if another cup of coffee is a good idea. Looking like a hot mess and not caring. Talking about everything and nothing and sitting in silence listening to music and knowing that despite sitting your ass in that seat for hours that everything is good and everything feels right and you can't wait for the destination.
12. The feeling I get right before I see someone I've been missing. The building up moments before I know I get to see someone for the first time in a long time. The way the night before feels like Christmas. The countdown leading up to that very moment when you're so close and your heart is beating like crazy and you can't wait to touch them and hear their voice in person. The butterflies and the nerves and then how everything feels calm after you're with them.
13. Clothes right out of the dryer. Especially in the winter when everything is cold and I crawl out of bed and go to the dryer and put on warm clothes. For the few seconds they stay warm against your skin is so comforting.
14. Being in a room with my favorite people. Do you ever think how much you're going to miss a moment while you're in it? You look around and take it in and embrace it because you know it'll never be like this again? That moment is what makes life so great. It's what makes us feel so whole. Whole-heatedly appreciating a moment while you're living it.
15. Hugs. Especially when I really need one and I don't say anything because I'm trying to hold myself together but someone I love comes and puts their arms around me and I never want them to let go.
16. Remembering things like the northern lights and mountains and natural hot springs and the milky way and the moon and flowers and so much more exists all on its own without humans. The earth is truly magnificent, despite humans.
17. Conversations with random strangers. At the airport, at dive bars, at the gas station, on the trail, anywhere really. There's something so freeing about being able to sit down and have a conversation with someone you know you will more than likely see again. There's a type of honesty that emerges from those conversations.
18. How confident I've become in my own body over the last year. My phone is now filled with nudes and I don't hate them, and I think that is the ultimate source of contentment with one's self.
19. Ian and Mickey. Most people don't understand my obsession with these two characters and I almost can't explain it but I think it has something to do with the fact their relationship was never easy. That is was realistic. That life kept fucking things up for them. That they really do love each other. That they keep finding their way back to each other and they've grown so much since the beginning - especially Mickey who doesn't deserve the bad rep people give him. That no matter how bad I want it to work out with them that maybe it just won't because things in life don't always work out and sometimes there are other factors that prevent people from what they really want. That there's a tiny sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe, they will work out because the show isn't over yet and hope is the one thing that keeps people going.
20. That I have a group message with my friends from high school. We talk in it every day and it's amazing to have people there to listen to you, despite the distance. It's nice to know we have a place to openly talk about relationships, careers, friendships, situations we're in and everything else. It's nice to have a group of people to talk to who you know won't judge you and it's amazing to watch each of them grow in their own ways and see how far they've each come in life.
21. That despite how low I feel I can still create lists like this and realize I have so much to be thankful for.